He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
