Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
