Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
