I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
