whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
