Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
