I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
