Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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