My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
As shirtless as possible
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
