and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
