My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
4 words: hood of his car
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
