Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Randomize
