Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
