May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
We need to get me chipped asap
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