This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
