Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
