it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
