the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
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He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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