Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
