I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
