I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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