Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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