It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
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