i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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