Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
