life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
