Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
