she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
