I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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