Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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