I'm lost and stupid without you.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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