You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
