There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
