Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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