have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
