the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
