Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Randomize
