God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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