Need sex. Gaining weight.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
