if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
