My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
