You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
