last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
this hospital has no fireball
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My ass is underappreciated
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
