I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
He passed out mid-signature
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
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We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
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You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I party with great urgency now.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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