you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
