I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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