Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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