I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
they need to just BURY HIM!
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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