my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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