The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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