dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Randomize
