Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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