She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
