id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
