quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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