This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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