he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
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how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
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I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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