for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
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just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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