No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
